But I’m not really like this.  I’m not crafty.  I won’t be one of those moms who can make a jungle out of construction paper for VBS.  I once spent an entire summer sewing a highly unsuccessful skirt.  I hardly ever cook (my husband is the cook in our family).  And I’m not really used to putting anyone else’s needs above my own (something I need to work on in my marriage as well).

Most of my other friends who are mothers are crafty cooks, but I just don’t fit that mold.  They seemlike mothers to me.  They have those motherly qualities (something akin to an aura of Mary Poppins).  I am not the Poppins, though I do tend to sing silly songs.

The man of the hour, well, really, all the hours

I know that sewing or cooking do not a mother make, but I think I would feel more like a mother if I did those things, especially because I haven’t even begun to realize what it means to put Henry’s needs above my own.  So far, it has only surfaced in small ways: I wanted to watch a movie; Henry wanted to nurse for an hour and fuss.  I wanted to go to the store to buy bread and milk; Henry wanted to nurse for an hour and fuss.    I wanted to shower; Henry wanted to nurse for an hour and fuss.  I know that his needs will not always be like this; in fact, I think they will become harder to meet.  Right now, I know that my job is to feed him and keep him alive.  Pretty soon my job will be to not just keep him alive, but educate him in the ways that he should go, and I think this will require sacrifice on my part, sacrifice I’m not sure I realized I signed on for as soon as he made his debut in this world.  I will have to make hard decisions:  should we save for Henry’s college or save for a new car?  Should I go back to work or really focus all my energy and talents on Henry?  I don’t know what the right answers to these questions are.  I think either choice could be what’s best for him, but I know that one is more likely to be better for me as well.

Even though my entire day is consumed with caring for Henry, I still don’t feel like a mom.  I feel like he is just this really cute, needy roommate that is subletting one corner of our bedroom.  I know that right now, 6 weeks in, I may not feel like a mother, but I hope that day is near.  I also fear that day because I’m sure that is when I’ll be asked to make a greater sacrifice than I’ve ever imagined.

I like being a productive person.  I find great satisfaction from making a list and crossing items off that list.  I will often even write down something I finished, just so I can cross it off.  A good day for me has always been one where I achieved a lot, at work and at home.  Well apparently, babies throw a wrench into the idea of having productive days.  A productive day for me lately has been getting Henry adequately fed and comforted and then attempting to get myself adequately fed and clothed. 

I was pretty upset one day when I didn’t get a shower, a change of clothes, lunch, or ANYTHING else done other than holding my son all day.  And that’s when I realized that I was already missing it — missing the idea that time with my son is enough.  Time holding Henry, stroking his hair, kissing his baby acne cheeks, filing his nails, and laughing at his ridiculously pouty face is the most productive thing I can do.  It doesn’t matter that the laundry doesn’t get done, that I don’t get out of the house for a week, that the kitchen dishes pile up.  All that matters is being still, really being still and not worrying about all the other things I could be doing.

This year I will follow stillness, and sit with my son in our ancient blue recliner, reading to him from his Bible story book or whatever book I’m reading and think: “this is enough.”

The cutest baby ever!

The saga of Henry Texas Howard begins on Sunday, January 8^th.  Henry was a little over 41 weeks and just decided that he was comfy where he was, but my doctor decided that I needed to be induced.  Ted and I arrived at the hospital to start Cervadil that night (trying one thing before starting Pitocin the next morning).  The Pitocin began at about 8:00am and before I knew it, I was in labor.

My intention for the birth was to “go natural,” meaning no drugs, no epidural, but things didn’t go exactly as planned.  First of all, being induced makes things trickier because Henry was constantly being monitored through this belt contraption around my belly, and every time I moved they would lose Henry’s heartbeat.  So a nurse would come in and readjust the monitor or readjust me – not the most pleasant experience when you are in some pretty serious pain.  I also was not prepared for how strong the contractions would be on Pitocin.  Every time they took me off the meds, I would have contractions on my own (and these were much more manageable), but they weren’t productive, so back on the Pitocin I went.  The third thing that I wasn’t expecting was how long my labor would be: a total of about 18 hrs –more if you count the tiny contractions I was having the night before.

Ted and I had really tried to prepare ourselves for a natural birth.  I had read lots of books, and he even read a book to prepare him as my birthing coach.  We took a Lamaze class, and decided we would be committed to going all the way.  We even hired our friend, Tiffany, as a doula to also help me through the labor.  But when my water broke at 4pm, after 12 hours of labor, that’s when the pain got real.  Ted and Tiffany were wonderful in helping me breathe through the pain, but at 7pm, exhausted and upset about needing to go back on the Pitocin to have productive contractions, I broke down and asked for the epidural.  At the time, I was really disappointed in myself, apologizing to Ted and Tiffany for giving in to the pain.  However, looking back on it, had I not gotten the epidural when I did, I’m not sure I would have had the energy to push.  I still had 6 more hours of labor to go, but with the epidural I was able to rest.

Henry, sleeping thoughtfully, in the NICU

I was all prepared for Henry to be born on January 9^th, so I couldn’t believe it when the clock struck midnight and I realized (and prayed for my body’s sake) that he would be born January 10^th.  Finally, the time had come for me to push.  I have to say that this was a part of labor that I truly enjoyed.  The epidural had worn off a bit, so I could somewhat feel the contractions and the need to push.  It was amazing watching Henry’s head crown (the doctor held up a mirror for me), and was very helpful for me to see what progress each push made.  Then suddenly, there he was — out of me and onto my chest.  This beautiful baby boy, all puffy and wet and reminiscent of Winston Churchill.

Henry and his Daddy

Ted and I were able to have some time just the three of us, before moving on to the post-partum unit.  We decided to have Henry room in with us, even though we were exhausted, so that we could practice being parents for our first day and night.  And I’m so glad that we got to spend that time with him because he would soon be taken away from us and into the NICU, but I’m getting to that part.

On Wednesday morning, the pediatrician found something that needed to be checked out and a specialist was called.  At noon that day, we found out Henry needed emergency surgery.  I’m not going to talk in detail about what kind of surgery he had because I want to maintain his medical privacy.  He can write his own blog post about it when he’s old enough to decide what details of his life he wants available on the Internet, but I don’t want to decide that for him.

The surgery was quick and all was well, but it was still hard for Ted and I to be separated from him and for us to go through the slight trauma of our new baby boy needing surgery on his second day of life.  I have to say that everyone at Medical City is absolutely amazing though.  The doctors, the nurses, the lactation consultants – everyone – went above and beyond to help us adjust to the news and support us through these scary moments.  The NICU nurses and doctors were amazing.  They educated us, and helped us feel more comfortable about him staying in the NICU.  Henry only had to stay one extra day, to make sure he was eating well, and then on Friday afternoon, Ted, Henry and I were able to go home.

Henry has adjusted quite well to life on this earth – it’s his parents who are having difficulty adjusting to life with him.  We love this little guy to bits, but we’re not always sure what to do with him.  Henry is healthy, eating well, pooping up a storm, and only cries when he needs a diaper change or something to munch on.  I feel ridiculously blessed to have such a mellow baby (a trait I’m sure he inherited from his daddy).  I’m still getting used to being his Mommy, but I wouldn’t want any other job right now (though I do miss my mandated 30-minute lunch break from my El Centro job).

Quality time with my son

As I write this, I gaze at him lying peacefully in his crib, one arm broken free from his swaddle, just the way he likes it, and I realize that we’re all going to be ok.

I’m primarily interested in cloth diapering for three reasons: 1) It will be more cost-effective in the long-run, 2) I have a problem with throwing away countless non-biodegradable diapers, and 3) I love doing laundry.

My Henry isn’t here yet, so I haven’t actually tried out cloth diapering, but I think I’ll like it (did I mention I love doing laundry?)  Several of my friends have gone with one diaper system – namely Grovia.  I decided not to go that route, exploring all the different kinds of cloth diapering options.

And boy was I overwhelmed.  Cloth diapering is an INDUSTRY, with several different kinds, brands, necessary accessories, and a heftier price tag than I was first anticipating.  Since I’m just waiting around for Henry to get here, I decided to do a day of massive research into cloth diapers, creating a starter pack for myself of different brands and types, seeing for myself which kind I would like best.

Here’s what I ended up ordering (my fun little bundles of diapers won’t arrive until next week):

• 3 bumGenius 4.0 One-Size diapers.  These are pocket diapers, which means it looks very much like a disposable diaper (though I decided to go with the sturdier seeming snaps than velcro), except it has a pocket where you place the absorbent material. I chose to get a few of these because I read that these make good overnight diapers: you can add to the stuffing inside, giving your baby more to soak up the pee.  I also like the one-size option because the set of snaps allows for flexibility in size – the diaper will literally grow with your child.  The only drawback for these is the heftier price tag at about $18 a pop.  These are my splurge diapers.
• 2 Flip One-Size diapers.  These are made by the same company as bumGenius, but they are a hybrid diaper.  What this means is that you can use their reusable inserts or you can use disposable inserts, similar to gDiapers.  The Flip diaper is basically a waterproof cover where you just lay absorbent material inside.  It has small pockets on the front and back end, to ensure that the insert stays put.  These can run you around $17 each — not much cheaper than the bumGenius, but the bonus for these is that if the cover doesn’t get dirtied in poo, you can reuse it right then, just putting in a new insert.
• 12 Indian Prefolds (infant size).  This is just basically a really soft piece of cloth that you can stick into any diaper cover, including the Flips and others.  It’s called a prefold because it has a thicker middle section and appears to be divided into three parts.  But the prefold term is misleading because you do have to do some folding to fit this inside a diaper cover or pocket diaper, but I like folding.  This is the cheapest option for absorbent material (think $1.50 each rather than the almost $4 or more a piece for other absorbent inserts made for particular diapers).  Prefolds are not waterproof, so they require a diaper cover.
• 2 Thirsty’s Duo Diaper Covers.  These are just covers made of material that will wipe off and clean easily.  You stick the prefolds inside.  Easy.   The thing about Thirsty’s is that it is not a one-size diaper.  They have a smaller diaper (size 1) for smaller babies through about 9 months, and then another for bigger babies and toddlers (size 2).  These will run you about $13 a piece.
• 1 Econobum diaper and 3 prefolds.  I got these basically just to try out a cheaper option of diaper cover, and to see how these prefolds compare to the more expensive (but still relatively cheap) Indian prefolds.   I got this whole set for $12.

So, that is the stash I’m starting with.  I hope I like all of these and can use them for different times of day and different occasions.  If I don’t like them, I found a site where I can swap or sell them.

The world of cloth diapering was overwhelming and confusing at first, but now I think I’ve got a good handle on it.  I’ll let you know how it all really works once I actually start changing diapers.

So, that is what Henry’s nursery turned into – an ode to the State Fair.  Knowing us, we’d probably have a room dedicated to the Fair anyway — we might as well make it the baby’s room.  The room definitely has touches of the State Fair, but also turned into a celebration of Texas (Henry’s middle name) as well as other various cowboy items.

One day to go until Henry’s due date, so I thought I’d show you how prepared I am.  This post is really more for grandparents, parents, and friends far away who are interested in such things because I’m now going to take you on a tour of Henry’s room:

View from Henry's door to the bookcase that I still need to fill up!

My friend Laura's present to us. Isn't it great!

Our diaper pail...appropriately titled

Changing station...also notice the beautiful curtains made by my mom!

My childhood dresser painted red with more theme-appropriate hardware

State Fair info for Henry to learn...made courtesy of my lovely shower hostesses

This cozy nook has the quilt my mother made Henry (isn't it just perfect?) and the good old recliner that's been in my family for about 30 years

The crib with space on the wall behind it for other artistic friends of mine to put their State Fair-themed artwork

Toy and whatever else baskets

A drawing of famous State Fair locations

Some State of Texas decorations

The view of his entry way

View of most of the room

View of dresser and the cozy corner

A Texas Star Ferris Wheel that my friend Jessica made!

A Henry frame that my friend Brianne made and a piggy bank from the in-laws so Henry can start out right with his Dave Ramsey ways.

As you can see, this room would not be as great as it is if I didn’t have all these crafty friends and family.  I have really done very little to make this a nice place for Henry to hang out.  So, here’s a big thank you to all those Martha Stewarts out there who can turn a plain room into the State Fair of Texas.

I find it curious that Christmas is more celebrated than Easter (though the cynic in me feels that it is probably because we have attached Christmas to materialism and things).  Easter is the holiday where we celebrate the fact that Jesus finished the work he came to do, the work that changed the world.  But I also think there is good reason for Christmas to be the “bigger” holiday.  It is the holiday of mystery and wonder.  The holiday where we celebrate not what Jesus has done, but the holiday where we celebrate hope for what he could do.  The baby Jesus is not a symbol of accomplishment, but a symbol of potential, and potential holds a great mystery.

I very much identify with this mystery because I find myself wondering what Henry will look like, whose personality quirks he’ll get, and what kind of man he will grow up to be.  I have high hopes for him, and am honored that I will get to watch this little person grow, this mystery unfold before me.

But at this time of wonder, I also feel a tinge of sadness for all those whose mystery has ended.  The little girl Ted and I sponsor at the Village of Hope died on Sunday night.  Her name was Elizabeth, and she was seven.  I met her when she was about five and wanted to be held and carried constantly.  I wonder if she still always wanted to be held, but I know for certain that she is being held now.

Jesus’s life was cut short so that he could do his greatest work.  I know Elizabeth was not taken away to accomplish some divine purpose.  Her death is beyond sadness and sense, but I know God can work miracles through tiny babies, through men laying down their lives, and through seven-year-old Ghanaian girls dying.  I don’t know what will come of her death, but I hope, I hope for light to shine in this darkness, just as baby Jesus shined light on the hope to come.

I really haven’t had time to blog with preparing a new house, preparing my mind by reading about pregnancy and caring for a child, and preparing to actually bring a child home (i.e. making sure the kid has a place to sleep).   You might think I would have spent a lot of this time reflecting about how my life will change, but I do most of my self-reflection in this blog, so not much of that has occurred.  Well, I figured that I better get reflecting because my time will soon no longer be my own.

So here are the facts:

Due Date: December 31st.  And if you see me in the near future, please don’t tell me that you think the baby should be born on this date for the tax savings or on January 1st so we can be in the newspaper (or some people seem to think he’ll be eligible for a college scholarship).  I know people are just trying to make conversation when they see my mound of a belly, but I’ve about had it with people telling me when he should come.  The kid will come when he wants to, and even I have to deal with that timetable (Sorry – that is the only venting you’ll get from me about the annoyances of pregnancy).

The Baby:  It’s a boy and his name is Henry Texas Howard.  Henry is not a family name, nor is he named after the numerous famous Henrys throughout time.  Ted and I simply liked the name.  Texas is the family name (if it can be called that) – mostly to commemorate our love of the State Fair of Texas and the fact that Ted’s family has been in Texas a long time.  As of our doctor’s visit today, Henry is about 7 pounds and almost finished growing.

The Body:  I feel I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy.  I’ve even relished in some of the more unpleasant moments because I know that all of it is bringing me to the end result: meeting this little guy.  I also feel like I’ve had some things to complain about, but I feel like complaining about them only focuses your energy on the negative rather than the positive.  So, the old mantra really rings true for me:  if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.   But truly, I’ve felt healthier during my pregnancy – mostly because my little Henry and the hormones my body has created to carry him have caused my migraines to lessen in frequency and intensity.  I can only give thanks to God for making that particular aspect of pregnancy a wonderful reprieve for me.

The Reality: In 10 days or fewer or more, I will become a mother.  Weird. In a way I feel prepared because I have a crib (even clean sheets on the mattress), the child has clothes, and I have read just about every book under the sun about caring for an infant.  In other ways, I feel totally and hopelessly unprepared, but if I have learned anything from other new mothers, it is that you can in no way be prepared for this life-changing event.

If you know me, you know I’m not good with change, but I am left strangely content with all the change that has already happened and all the change that will come in the future.  With this mystery awaiting me, I am content to wait upon the Lord to see what new wonders he will bring me.

This year, I decided to follow the word contentment.  Everyone around me was buying a house and having babies, and I felt left behind.  I decided to be grateful for what I had, being content in any circumstance.  And I was doing okay…fell off the wagon a bit, but was mostly grateful.  Well, now I am getting everything I wanted.  Not only am I pregnant, but Ted and I are about 2 weeks away from closing on a house.  The American Dream is swiftly becoming our own.

And this is what gives me pause…God has now blessed me with those things I was (im)patiently waiting for, but getting everything I wanted makes me realize how my contentment is still dependent on my circumstances.

I feel somewhat content because I’m getting everything I want.  I’m very excited/terrified to be having a kid, and I’m really looking forward to putting down roots in this neighborhood we love, but there is an opportunity cost to everything.  Being pregnant and buying a house has taken over my life.  Yes, these are things I wanted, but not necessarily what should be the driving focus of my life.  And I can tell you that they have been.  The focus of my life should be others, and I haven’t really thought much about ANYONE ELSE but me since I became pregnant.   If my circumstances had not changed, I might have my priorities a little straighter.  Instead of searching for Consumer Reports approved baby products, I could be helping my sister-in-law with my niece much more often.  Instead of dreaming of the space that I’ll have in my new house, perhaps I should be offering to clean one of my friend’s who is uber-busy.  Instead of bemoaning my nausea, I should have been visiting someone really sick in the hospital.

I have everything I want, but I’m not content, and I don’t think I should be.  I shouldn’t be content because my new circumstances have made me more selfish than usual.  I talk about wanting to be a thoughtful person, but my thoughts have been with how to keep from being nauseated and where I’d put our furniture in the new house.  My circumstances are right where I want them, but if I can’t be a thoughtful person in those circumstances, then I should not be content.  I think I needed a good, swift kick in the pants, and now that I’ve given myself one, I can refocus on becoming the person I want to be, not the person who is still ruled by her circumstances, even if those circumstances are wonderful.

Today — this morning, in fact, I truly rested and had a true Sabbath.  I feel ready for the day ahead of me, focused on what is truly important.  I feel rested because I lit a candle.

Flickr user R!E

Well, that’s not all I did.  Wayne Muller, in Sabbath, suggests the practice of lighting a candle to begin “sacred time.”  I lit a candle, pumpkin spice to be exact, read my Bible and prayed.  Lately, when I’ve spent mornings with God, I’ve felt like He was another thing I had to do on my checklist for that day.  I’d read the passage for the day, read the meditation, considered writing down my prayer and thought it will take too long (I’ve got things to do after all), and ended up not praying at all.  Then comes the really silly part:  I’d turn on some random TV show that I didn’t really want to watch, to eat breakfast and “rest” before I have to focus on the real part of my day.

Needless to say, I’ve felt very unfocused the past couple of weeks.  This time with God meant to center me and my actions for the day became just a part to get through and not the reason for the day.  And that is something I realized.  My reason for the day should be to spend time with God, not to go to work or run errands, to check things off my list.  The reason for the day is God.  But sometimes I need a little external help to remind me of that fact: thus, the candle.

Lighting the candle, helped me set up my “sacred time.”  Any time my mind wandered, my eye was drawn to the still, small flame.  It was a constant reminder that I have set aside this time to spend with my God.  The Jews begin every Sabbath with lighting a candle, and I am beginning to understand why.  It helps make this time of rest seem different from every other moment.  As soon as the flicker of the candle begins, a time away from time itself begins.  I enter into God’s time, and it is expansive and comforting.  From now on, every morning, my Sabbath moment for the day, will begin with the flame of a candle.

So, I started reading this book – actually the more accurate term would be tearing through the book.  I realized I was reading it to get it finished so that I could go on to the next book.  (Do you see why I need to read a book about Sabbath in the first place?)  I decided to slow down and blog about every chapter each Saturday, the traditional Jewish day for Sabbath rest.  Saturday’s usually aren’t very relaxing days for me — full of errands and events, but I want to make the effort to make at least part of every Saturday a true Sabbath.

First, I want to start off with Muller’s definition of Sabbath.  It’s so much more than a day or moment of rest: “Sabbath is more than the absence of work; it is not just a day off, when we catch up on television or errands.  It is the presence of something that arises when we consecrate a period of time to listen to what is most deeply beautiful, nourishing, or true.  It is time consecrated with our attention, our mindfulness, honoring those quiet forces of grace or spirit that sustain and heal us.”

This book is really more of a devotional to meditate on rather than something to finish.  It comes complete with chapters about different aspects of Sabbath, poems for reflection, and even Sabbath practices you can try.  I will (readers hold me to it) attempt each of the suggested practices each week, quote a section I find meaningful, and give my overall thoughts for that section.

More on the next chapter next Shabbat, but now it’s time to rest.