It has taken me a while (a month into this year) to figure out what I want this year to be about. At first, I thought about words like “flexibility” or “change” since I will have to be more open to change with the arrival of my son. Then I thought about a word like “explore,” being open to all the new possibilities being a stay-at-home mom would bring. But after spending the past three weeks with Henry, I know exactly what word I need to keep in my thoughts: stillness.
I like being a productive person. I find great satisfaction from making a list and crossing items off that list. I will often even write down something I finished, just so I can cross it off. A good day for me has always been one where I achieved a lot, at work and at home. Well apparently, babies throw a wrench into the idea of having productive days. A productive day for me lately has been getting Henry adequately fed and comforted and then attempting to get myself adequately fed and clothed.
I was pretty upset one day when I didn’t get a shower, a change of clothes, lunch, or ANYTHING else done other than holding my son all day. And that’s when I realized that I was already missing it — missing the idea that time with my son is enough. Time holding Henry, stroking his hair, kissing his baby acne cheeks, filing his nails, and laughing at his ridiculously pouty face is the most productive thing I can do. It doesn’t matter that the laundry doesn’t get done, that I don’t get out of the house for a week, that the kitchen dishes pile up. All that matters is being still, really being still and not worrying about all the other things I could be doing.
This year I will follow stillness, and sit with my son in our ancient blue recliner, reading to him from his Bible story book or whatever book I’m reading and think: “this is enough.”