I want to watch TV today

I’m sitting on the couch, staring at the blank, black screen in front of me.  I want to turn it on.

Today was a hard day for me, not because of anything that happened to me but because of where my mind keeps going.  It is going to desires and wants, not to the kingdom of God.  I’ve been fighting God today, fighting what he wants from me in my life.

And all I want is the noise.  I want pictures to flash in front of my face that will go on without my eyes consciously scanning down a page or my fingers being directed to type a sentence.  I want to watch to escape, to escape from my thoughts and from God.

But because I can’t watch TV — there is no escape.  I must be silent and wrestle with God like Jacob.  And in the morning I will have my wounds, but God will lick them clean.